Shattered Sun

Seriously, ever notice how when you take a day off, it’s like a week of Mondays before it and another week afterwards to catch up? I hate that! We’ve got a full Thursday going on since we’re going Costume shopping. I haven’t told J yet. Maybe I won’t and I’ll just take the Terrors myself. He might not like being out of the loop though. And on Friday, we’re leaving for Flagstaff and the Grand Canyon. Ironically, even after having lived in Arizona for so long, I have never ever been to the Grand Canyon. It should be interesting because J and the Terrors have never been either. We should all be suitably awestruck! The only bad part about this weekend is that I don’t get to go to the Goodyear Air Show and I was looking forward to it. Guess I’ll have to wait for the next air show that comes around so that I can get some shots then. Maybe I can buy a new lens for my camera before then and get some really great shots!

To paraphrase the exchange in my kitchen this afternoon between J and I:

J: We should cook more meals like this.
Me: Sure, except that whole work thing keeps getting in the way.
J: You could stay home and cook every night again.
Me: I could. We’d miss the cash I bring in though.
J: Well, find a telecommuting job.
Me: What do you think I’ve been trying to do!?
J: Oh. Well, get on it!
Me: …

At the time, I was making gravy. I don’t have a real problem with making gravy. It’s just slightly time consuming for me. If I don’t watch it and go slow, I tend to make it too flour-y. Who knew that gravy didn’t taste good all chalky-like? Anyway, I digress. How is it that both of us can want the same thing and just not have it happen exactly how we want? Damn life and it’s evil evil ways.

Some days you don’t… Now I guess I better just get over it. I’ll write later when I’m feeling happier. Nothing written is better than negativity.

It’s like a raging war in my heart, mind, & soul when it comes to my career. It sounds dumb because you know, I really thought that I would love being a Career Gal. But I don’t. In fact, I’m coming to the sick realization that I loathe it. I don’t enjoy going to work. There are no bright projects glistening on the horizon that tantalize me into each new day. And the sad thing is, I gave up being a stay-at-home mom when the youngest Terror hit 5 and school age. We figured that it would be okay. We thought that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing but you know, there are times that it sucks more than it’s worth. There’s fighting to get time off for surgeries and school events and why is that? Shouldn’t that be something that is a priority and not something that puts black marks on your record? I work for a good company and the money is good but the trade off hasn’t been what I hoped for. I had hoped to find some fulfillment inside me when I did a job well done. I don’t. There are no pats on the back in my work world. It’s cut throat and evil and pretty much irritating. There are not enough nice people working in the business world. Everyone is out for themselves and I hate seeing that lack of respect for others every day. It makes me miserable.

I’m not as eloquent as Merrin but I definitely can’t agree more with her. The last two years of my life have proven to me that there is more than money at stake when you work and honestly, I want to go back to being a SAHM. I miss it more than I ever thought I would.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, come see the three amazing sisters! Who knew they’d look so similar and yet so amazingly different!?

Lame, I know. But truly, yes, I have two little half sisters. I guess I shouldn’t call them little. One just hit 18 and the other is 16. It’s something else to be almost 28 and just really getting to know them. I feel OLD. I want to imagine that I’m somehow this Cool Older Sister, but I don’t think I quite achieve that. I probably cross somewhere between Weird Aunt and Mothering/Smothering Older Sister. Oh, and I just met them for the first time, really. The last time I saw the older one, she was about 2 and the younger one was a mere 6 months old.

And I’m having a hard time adjusting. My life seems so, well, for lack of a better word, full. I have the photography, Two Terrors, J, work, and just stuff. Everything takes so much time, and I know I’ve complained of that before. And funny thing is, I’m pretty darn happy with everything. I just can’t seem to make enough time to fit my sisters in the schedule. That is so not good. I don’t want them to think that I’m somehow not loving them when it’s really a lack of time at the moment. I’m pretty sensitive on the whole subject because they’re so young and I remember well how it felt to be a teenager. It’s definitely a tough age to go through.

Oh, and anyone else that’s on the phone all day have a complete lack of desire to be on the phone at home? I don’t know how to explain that to my siblings. I’d rather text or IM or email than be on the phone because either my desk phone or my cell phone seems to be permanently attached to my ears while I’m at work. I think I just need to get a new bluetooth and get over it. Okay, I’m off. That’s my semi-update.