Shattered Sun

My mother-in-law drives semis that haul the stage effects, etc for music tours. She did Madonna’s tour starting in May and now she’s on the whole Family Values 2006 tour with Korn. I mentioned at work that she was currently driving for Korn and a coworker said “She’s hauling ears of corn?” I couldn’t help but giggle! She’s enjoying herself and doing mighty well. She’ll be in town with the crew tomorrow and while I want to see her, I have no great desire to see Korn or any of the other groups. Don’t get me wrong, great music, just not something I want to spend the evening listening to. J is going with some friends and I’m babysitting the Terrors. It’s just as well, I don’t think they’d dig the concert much either. It would be an incredibly long day for them. Anyway, I’ll go off and find other things to occupy my mind.

The latest baby in my life isn’t even mine but he’s sooooo adorable! The photo I uploaded today is little Gabe. He’s very handsome already and that must be because he has Carrie’s nose! Seems like everyone’s either pregnant, just had a baby, or wishing to become pregnant. I miss the wee ones that my Terrors used to be but I ain’t about to have them go back to being babies. I really would settle for time to slow down a little. I remember being a kid and the time just wouldn’t move and now it seems to fly by me! I can not believe that Sam is now in middle school. Where did elementary school go? We went to Chuck E. Cheese’s for Heidi’s birthday party last Saturday and he was not thrilled. I mean, he had some fun but admitted that it really wasn’t as cool as it was when he was little. Even odder is the fact that he’ll be a high school freshman in a mere three years. That bugs me. I don’t want him to be that old. Zack is adjusting to having no older brother at school with him. Well, he’s mostly adjusting. I don’t think he’s very thrilled with it. His teacher was telling us how Zack runs to Sam and grapple-hugs him every afternoon. I feel for him, sort of. I never had that kind of relationship with my brothers or sisters and it is so incredibly nice to see him have it with his brother. I hope it stays.

By the way, the title is courtesy of Dierks Bentley’s song “Settle for a Slowdown”. The song isn’t really fitting for the post, but I was listening to it when I started typing and really, I would settle for life to slowdown a little.

If there was a word to describe how I’m feeling, I’m not sure depressed would be it. It’s more like half empty instead of half full. I want to be full and happy and vibrant again. And funny thing is, I’m not really sad. I’m just not as thrilled and happy as I think I should be. So many of my hobbies are currently not holding my interest and work seems to be sucking the life out of me. I love my job but I also feel like I’m constantly running and there’s no destination. I think part of the problem is that I’ve seen no growth in me recently. J always said that I would be a perpetual student if I could. And you know, I would. I love learning and growing and seeing the wonders that I otherwise miss. I think that being an adult really sucks butt right now. There’s just not enough time, money, or energy recently.

And the odd thing is, I’m reaching my goals. I’m losing the weight/inches that I had gained. It’s slowed down from the weather here (who the hell wants to exercise when it’s in the 90s/100s?) but I’m really starting to gear up for the winter weight loss routine. And I’m reaching my goals in other areas, too. I mean, my debt is going down faster than I can blink and my marriage is good. I’ve been spending a lot of time reconnecting with friends and setting aside Sundays as a sort of “date day” with J. I can see the progress I’ve made and yet I just don’t feel… content.

I’ve always been one who sets my creativity aside and lets brains & hard facts rule the day for me. I’m beginning to wonder if I haven’t put a noose around my creativity to the point of killing it. I know, I know. It’s just a phase. This, too, will pass. On the other hand, getting through this discontent sucks. I want to do more. I want to have that spark back. I want to sit here, see a website design come alive in a single thought. I want to write again. I want to really explore my beadworking and photography. In short, I want that lovely, silly, artsy side of me back. I’m tired of repressing it. I don’t think it really likes being put away anyhow.

That’s my story. I’m going to bed now because 4 am is an ugly alarm in the morning.

(On a more material note, I’ve finally sat down, read all the reviews, etc and decided on the camera I want to buy. It’ll only cost me $850 counting memory card & tax. Now just to save the money to buy it. All in good time, I suppose. Anyway, I digress.)