Shattered Sun

If there was a word to describe how I’m feeling, I’m not sure depressed would be it. It’s more like half empty instead of half full. I want to be full and happy and vibrant again. And funny thing is, I’m not really sad. I’m just not as thrilled and happy as I think I should be. So many of my hobbies are currently not holding my interest and work seems to be sucking the life out of me. I love my job but I also feel like I’m constantly running and there’s no destination. I think part of the problem is that I’ve seen no growth in me recently. J always said that I would be a perpetual student if I could. And you know, I would. I love learning and growing and seeing the wonders that I otherwise miss. I think that being an adult really sucks butt right now. There’s just not enough time, money, or energy recently.

And the odd thing is, I’m reaching my goals. I’m losing the weight/inches that I had gained. It’s slowed down from the weather here (who the hell wants to exercise when it’s in the 90s/100s?) but I’m really starting to gear up for the winter weight loss routine. And I’m reaching my goals in other areas, too. I mean, my debt is going down faster than I can blink and my marriage is good. I’ve been spending a lot of time reconnecting with friends and setting aside Sundays as a sort of “date day” with J. I can see the progress I’ve made and yet I just don’t feel… content.

I’ve always been one who sets my creativity aside and lets brains & hard facts rule the day for me. I’m beginning to wonder if I haven’t put a noose around my creativity to the point of killing it. I know, I know. It’s just a phase. This, too, will pass. On the other hand, getting through this discontent sucks. I want to do more. I want to have that spark back. I want to sit here, see a website design come alive in a single thought. I want to write again. I want to really explore my beadworking and photography. In short, I want that lovely, silly, artsy side of me back. I’m tired of repressing it. I don’t think it really likes being put away anyhow.

That’s my story. I’m going to bed now because 4 am is an ugly alarm in the morning.

(On a more material note, I’ve finally sat down, read all the reviews, etc and decided on the camera I want to buy. It’ll only cost me $850 counting memory card & tax. Now just to save the money to buy it. All in good time, I suppose. Anyway, I digress.)