Shattered Sun

That today is my father’s birthday. He’s 54 now. I can’t remember the last time I thought about him. It’s been so long. It’s like a section of me that I just don’t touch. In some ways I miss him. I want him to know the wonderful children that I call my Terrors. I want him to see me happy and progressing well through life. I take everything in life the way I do mostly because of him. I’m not sure that’s a great thing, because some of my reactions aren’t. I’m not as lovey as I wish I was. I’m not as open to the people I should be open to. Because of him I have a much easier time being open with people I barely know (because there is a distance there) than the people who are close (because there’s the possibility of pain there). Boy, that sounded like the whole, everything-I-do-wrong-I-can-blame-on-my-parents attitude. It’s not fair, I know. And I don’t want to be like that. I want to be wonderfully content. And I hope that he is also. I hope that wherever he is and whatever choices he has made, he’s happy. I wish that for him. I wish that for his birthday, he is celebrating somewhere with someone who loves him as much as I do.

And someday, I’ll be able to repair my relationship with my parents. All three of them. Because right now, that burden is just as much on my shoulders as theirs. We’ve all made mistakes and at some point, we just have to let go and get over it. Because life moves so fast and while we’re busy being petty, the truly important things are being missed.

Well, sort of. I’m off from work but I’m not off from the work that I set up for myself. I took a day off tomorrow. In the morning I’m taking Zack to see his ear specialist and then after that, it’s pretty much a clear day. I’m going to do some cleaning, laundry, and then work on some computer stuff. All in all, I’m hoping for a rather uneventful day. We’ll see how well that plan works out for me.