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Breaking The Habit

Sometimes, you have to look at your behavior and realize that it might not be the healthiest in the world. I had that awakening today. I was laying in my bed, half asleep, when the phone rang. I picked it up, being that I read the caller ID and actually wanted to talk to the person on the other end. Now, mind you, this person is someone that I have been working very hard on a friendship with. I really want this person to be a part of my life. And, well, I tend to remind myself throughout our conversations that I need to have patience and that I need to remember not to be controlling. With this person I am usually not in control and that has always bothered me, so by nature, I fight to be in control. And that nearly always causes a fight. It’s like I can’t help myself and just have to argue about nothing. Most of the time, it feels like I’m doing this:

:wall:
Anyway, so, I pick up the phone and we have a pretty pleasant conversation. This person tells me about the events of the past week and I shared some of my own. I listened rather intently when this person was talking, but when I was talking, I felt that I wasn’t being listened to at all. Obviously, this person was hearing me, but at random, just interrupted what I was saying with something completely unrelated. Basically, I was talking, and this person was thinking of other things. I know this happens a lot. The mind tends to wander for anyone. But at least try to follow the conversation a little bit? Why can’t it be that simple? Especially when this person called me at 1:30 am.

So, that kind of caught me offguard and then this person decides that when I say something about it, I’m being just like this other girl that had said something similar the day before. Apparently, this rattled said person enough to get annoyed that I had made the same observation. Then, this person has the nerve to tell me that it’s something s/he would rather not discuss and that’s it. End of topic. Happens all the time. Something comes up in conversation and boom!, end of topic due to some unsettling effect on this person. We all have topics that hit sore spots, but there shouldn’t be an innumerable amount in a 90 minute conversation.

If there are so many issues and so much drama, wouldn’t it be better not to talk to me? And especially not call me in the early morning hours to do it? I love being loved, but I don’t love being woken up and have a one sided conversation full of I’d rather not talk about it and Can we not discuss this right now?. If this person doesn’t want open dialog, then it’s probably best to just stop trying. It’s so frustrating and now, instead of sleeping, like I should be, I’m up contemplating what the hell to do about it all. :dead:

So, there it is. It’s all on digital paper now. I feel better. I really do. And after typing it all out and venting at y’all, I’ve decided that it’s probably best to just let it all flow and see what happens. This person is really wonderful and one of my favorite friends. S/he’s been around a long time and I’d like to keep the friendship. I just wish it didn’t feel so one sided. Ultimately, I guess this person has to learn to communicate or I have to learn to deal with the lack of communication. Something is going to give, I just have to bide my time til it does.

This song came to mind when I was typing this entry.

Breaking The Habit ~ Linkin Park

memories consume
like opening the wound
i’m picking me apart again
you all assume
i’m safe here in my room
[unless i try to start again]
i don’t want to be the one
the battles always choose
cause inside i realize
that i’m the one confused

i don’t know what’s worth fighting for
or why i have to scream
i don’t know why i instigate
and say what i don’t mean
i don’t know how i got this way
i know it’s not alright so i’m
breaking the habit
tonight

clutching my cure
i tightly lock the door
i try to catch my breath again
i hurt much more
than anytime before
i had no options left again

i’ll paint it on the walls
cause i’m the one at fault
i’ll never fight again
and this is how it ends

i don’t know what’s worth fighting for
or why i have to scream
but now i have some clarity
to show you what i mean
i don’t know how i got this way
i’ll never be alright
so i’m
breaking the habit
breaking the habit
tonight

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 21st, 2003 at 3:50 am and is filed under Love & Friendship, Lyrics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

2 Responses to “Breaking The Habit”

  1. trisha Says:
    August 21st, 2003 at 7:31 am

    I have a friend like that, i had to sit her down one day and explain what sort of person i was and how i was different to her, now we get on wonderfully.. its scary to do and i thought she would hate me at the end, but she knows what sort of person i am and maybe that is what you need to do with this person… hang in there and im glad
    you had somewhere to vent :gossip:

  2. Ages of Empires Says:
    August 22nd, 2003 at 6:04 am

    I’m just thankful “s/he” is me! LOL!:sunny: and I’m not the one in the :toilet: When I call you I’m doing the stevey wonder:
    I just called to say :iloveyou: and I mean it from the bottom of my :sweetheart:
    But you have said I (double underline) didn’t listen to you either a couple o’ 4 times and me & s/he don’t know each other, the only common element is U! (perceiving the world) Explore this concept more and you will grow and become a better person 4it.
    WWOTN:cheers:

    Well, A, you already know that it’s not you and I think that it’s fairly obvious that someone’s not listening to what you’re saying when you’re in the middle of a sentence and they pop off with “What was I going to do when I got up?” I mean, could you more blatently be ignoring the present conversation when you interrupt in the middle of a sentence with something totally unrelated? So, no, it’s not me percieving that this person wasn’t listening to me. It was fact. Get off it.:argue:

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